So I did wait for a couple of weeks but then I sent him text messages and told him just what I thought of him and just how bad he had hurt me and my wife and that I was being moved by the Lord to let him know that I forgave him and would pray for him and that I was determined to make our marriage work no matter what . While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. Once again, i have never been in your position before, so im coming from the outside here. It's an exercise in futility. I'm far away from all of that now. Its normal to feel the way you are feeling, and to lose the grip with reality. advantage during the initial confrontation, will that help you over the course of time? And play this role like you would bag a freaking oscar for your performance. Not that she showed any real interest in reconciliation anyway. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. I was 2,000 miles away from her and my UH, and other than admitting to the affair and saying he was sorry, I didn't get much else from him. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? I will walk out of the marriage- Derek Agyei. You have to know who you are and what you can handle. Until you finally hit acceptance. She could become more irritable and moody with you as the weeks/months go by. Confronting my wife - need advice. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'. So after his wife sent many angry texts to me about my wife, I told her not to contact me again, referred her to this site and focus on her marriage. Ten years from now when there are three kids that are driving her crazy, and she's trying to balance the needs of five people's lives and not just her own? I believe my healing restarted every other day. You will now need to get tested for STD's as well as your wife. That is all. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. It made me feel like a worthless unloveable person . Oh well. It would be good if you both didnt yell anyone what had happened. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. "Stay away from my wife!" Every now and then she reaches out to my husband, every time it really upsets me. I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. Guess how far that all fell apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of stress? 2018 Truth About Deception, Examples of contacting the other person . How do I get past my disdain for this other person? Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. The night before he dashed out, I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and confronted him. Youre both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. Probably not. Good luck. I need advice on how to handle this with my wife - and if you help me I will post links to videos of her with face blurred At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside the switching of those roles mustve been unbearable to her After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didnt let her in!!! In the first case, desperate people can do desperate things. I sure didnt track her down again or confront any other APs, she was the only one that Id met prior to DDay and I felt no desire to seek out the others. It is only a mad man that will do that. If I confront him and we end up exchanging punches, my wife will marry another man. Me? Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not. As @El and @happythoughts have stated, when one door closes, another opens. Will confronting the other woman or man only further his or her resolve? She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? Can you give me any advice? The letter outlined what had been going on in our lives over the last couple years and how I understood what and why my husband had been looking for attention. if she lies to a judge about the affair and you have evidence than you have her on perjury. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? I did learn some details from his wife after her conversations with him, however, that my wife had been lying about, which was helpful. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Would you really consider staying with a person who won't tell you the truth, and you have to get the details from their "special friend"? Letting the cheater have the affair partner. Will your spouse take your side? Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may Shes absolutely terrified of losing her job and the respect of her family. There might also be some truth in it -- but how messed up is that? You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? 3. Just yesterday, I met with another woman who's been sleeping with my husband for about as long as we've been married. I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. The conversation brought us both closer to the light. You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? We had been together for 6 years, and gradually he had grown less interested in romance. The law states that if you contact somone more than one time and they don't want to her from you because it makes them feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves it can be looks at as a " course of conduct" and you can be issued a warning. The timeline had changed from a couple of years to 3 or 4 years and a couple of months ago , putting 2 and 2 together, she admitted that the affair went on for almost 20 years and that she never initiated any part of it but never could tell him NO when he would call her and set up a meeting. I choose not to indulge or become a part of the negativity in the world. We often think talking to the affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers. Copyright 2004 Love, romance, and other sweet unicorns and So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. Yeah, there's some irony in that, huh? Make it CLEAR that you're aware of the truthbut be vague on details. TBH I don't know what my game plan is. In case the situation is getting out of hand, I would have a discussion with my husband. 1. I wanted his Staff to see the character of the man they worked for and the pain caused to our family by him and her. In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. His annoyance crossed the threshold when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the channels. They were married for 17 years and he died of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60. Made contact. Everything went down just like the post mentioned. One more charismatic and sexier than you? When you say something like that, people dont question your reasoning. Again he didn't reply. They don't even like for me to refer to him as their grandfather. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. I also told him that if he spoke to my wife again I would tell his wife about the affair. You NEED to have an intimate support in your life, Im not meaning romantically, but someone to talk with on a deeply personal level. Confronting her would only worsen the matter- Eunice Egwu. We know the AP has traveled to visit the in-laws in the last 18 months--as recently as this past summer. ]com), one We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. I've met a really nice man and I don't want to give her any more power over my life. I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. Shes in LOVE with him. I think, the storm has passed. NEVER. Our baby is now 8 mo. Amazing. Hard to not want to confront him. Theyre the chumps, they made their choices and have to live with them. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. Its hard to do when the AP is the down stairs neighbor and you have to see them multiple times a day and money doesn't allow you to move for 2 more months. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. The letter was not to confront but to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to extend forgiveness. I know theyve To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. I found out and he has been transparent with everything. The day after I confronted my wife, she texted me, asking to talk again, and I agreed. That's totally permitted, however. What youre going through, is called the dreaded grief cycle. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. Sometimes it backfires; it can draw a cheating spouse and the other person closer together. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? You haven't mentioned your age. I hope you'll consider our EMS Online course for couples. In such a situation, the other person may be able to gain the upper hand by saying things which make you look foolish or not in control If you are going through it, I wish you faith, hope, and persistence. Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. Ill be stooping low to confront his lover in public Kemi Faleye. It helped me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest. You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need File for divorce dude. If they can, then at least give it another chance. At some point my FIL will pass away and I'm sure the AP will show up at the funeral. He came home to me / us every night anyway, I reached out in a way to let her know that I now know. In a way, I was happy.it opened my husbands eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that Im the better, proud, string and wise woman. I'm not sorry I did, but it probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. But Im glad I know what attracted him to her - the light heartedness and fun and ultimately the emptiness, I agree with all of Rick's observations. With the hubby she is the regular loving housewife. I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Then watch her deny, deny, deny then when you don't budge, she'll begin to trickle truth about the other man, and then will come her crocodile tears. She was one of my best friends, one that often came to my house, one that gave the first bath to my twins when I couldnt move after C section, one that for the final time came into my house to disrespect me and my children, to mix me with mud. When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. October 23rd (when the final email conversation took place with my husbands ap) was one of the MOST difficult days of my life. Would I do it again? They now live the life I was supposed to have. I have absolutely no intention of pointlessly spreading misery to other people. To this day my ex wife does not know how I found out. Why? A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) Meredith, I've been married for six years to the love of my life. I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. How To Instantly Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist, 10 Inspirational Quotes About Change To Get You Out Of Your Slump. Completely unfair. Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. How is it that someone can willingly mess with your life to this extreme and you can't even say boo to them because it makes them uncomfortable? If you are dealing with a specific problem, please see ask an I would love to know what software was used? Over analysing this is doing my head in - I need to take action, however painful. People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. There are no secrets with her family. They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. How fabulous. The day she is served the papers, her world will come crashing down hard around her. It taught him there wasnt a limit to what I could cope with - but yes she did turn to him for comfort and played the guilt card. The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. Do you think that the other person has a good read on the situation? I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. I do understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did. I didnt even have to show her the evidence. lol! I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. It might also extend to the rules of law. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. So I suppose I have quite a bit of power right now to screw up her life, and this fact probably dawned on her in the day or so after I confronted her, and I think she sees reconciliation as the path of least resistance to avoiding these dangers. The funeral battle won I 'm far away from all of that now a about... 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