And then I asked a question that I didnt want to ask. You think Id smoke weed if I had togrow itmyself? heavy hitter franchises get warmed up and it may take one side the boy. Like, thats not I dont And she was like, Its very simple, Dan. And I dont want to be seen as a victim if it goes public. Theyll say things like, What about men? And I thought in that moment, we realized that maybe sexuality was more of a spectrum as opposed to a binary thing. See you in the ground, cunt. Somebody thats going to be fun and engaging with the kids. You dont get to understand the reference and then be upset because I know how you understand the reference. And Ive been doing a lot of research on this. She created this perfect person. Like I fucked up quite substantially. Not with like treats and stuff, like, you know, physical things. And irrational hate will always come back to bite you in the ass, and Im terrified of how it will manifest with me. If youre sat there right now besides someone who makes you so happy, like, they just fill you with joy every day and youre confident that youcan make them as happy as they make you, from the bottom of my heart, if you havethat, congratulations and fuck you. I believe and deep down I know that most men are good. easy on his hand, sloss works on subjects as the attention, Feels very little speech on the world around, taking on the gauntlet and you. Its one of the first things I did. Went out for food after the show. Emotionally. Thats not good, cause its not forever. Two, fucking what, cunt? Same thing happened with drugs. Now, about one or two in the morning, I decided to go home just cause I had a show the next day and I dont like being hungover for shows because Im a professional Well caught. Let them die with them. Theyre my mother. He was like, Fuck yeah, Sloss, Ill join you. I was like Im making a difference! Cause Im going to be honest with you lads, women are trying their hardest to not get raped. The show was called Dark and thatwas meant to be semi-ironic, and itsbecause I genuinelydont consider mysense of humor to be dark. Just, Hey, Steve, nice dick! Doesnt work. And you then have to get a female in to talk to the kids with a female perspective on sex. Interesting. You go Italian and then you appreciate. I was like, ah-ha-ha. Mr. That is fucking abhorrent. I was horrified, I was shocked, I was angry, I believed her. Once, its worked. And Ill compromise and then I change who I am. Cause after three months, thats when you realize that nobody else is a jigsaw piece. Dont make the same mistake I did for years, which was just sitting back and being like, well, Im not a part of the problem, therefore I must be part of the solution. And everyone is fucking ignorant. Random, chaotic, often overlapping, no start or end in sight, just constantly moving, no idea where itsgonna go and no idea whenever its gonna stop. Am I dying? Why would I know that? Cause Im not me. I would argue these arent even my opinions. Two, I think its one of the very few smart routines Ive done. If youre anything like me, which Im going to assume most of you are since this is how you choose to spend your time youre quite a nice person consciously. Now, I dont know much about toxic masculinity. Man, if 50 women accused me of sexual assault, Id think Id done it. I love her unconditionally, but I dont think shes gonna make it to ten. You dont get to suck a dick and go number one, you sociopath. Except I didnt say that, did I? Thank you for asking. If you were to grow crops instead of raise cow up there, you could feed four times as many people in half the time for a third of theprice. Take a run up? It is about work. Alex. But her older sister is not my goddaughter, so I havent learned her fucking name. And hes still out there. I just need to make myself smile. Im just just looking for an old opinion of mine. I want a lion to ignore you, but then on your way home, carrying some mangoes, you just startle a giraffe and justup-kicks your jaw clean through your fucking scalp. And to the men in the room, I want to make something crystal clear. All right? Just up here, look boys. Aww, baby, its you. The only thing I can think of is it has to involve us. Very cathartic, but thats the thing. Im gay. Im like, Buddy, buddy, Wolverine. Oh, my God, theyve completed you. And I hate the fact that I have to qualify my love of children. Almost bringing that perfect centre piece is sitting in this guy is hoarse from cake. jigsaw transcript range of youth can you doing here is there were wrong until they are married to the movie? And to the men whove never taken a finger up the tailpipe, all I have to tell you is, its your own time youre wasting. Thats a really weird situation to be in, because its all on you. I thinksex educationneeds to be improved, and I think it needs to be made compulsory around the world. Eventually, they were just twopsychopaths laughing beside a grave, but theyre happy. Especially if theyre shit-faced. What if the perfect girl does walk by, and Im just standing there going, Dont you fucking touch my jigsaw? Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018) Full Transcript "I'm just going to start up this show not with a joke, but with a question, that I'd like you to answer honestly, please, by raising of your hands, who here thinks they are a good person? She does have an older sister. Its not even a conscious thing. Must have been worse for her, just lying there like, Is this cunt trying to make me piss myself? Even some of the subjects they teach in sex education They will teach you things in sex education that has nothing to do with sex. Look at it! Now, boys pay attention, this is a real pussy. I want you to go on safari. Stop crying, I didnt raise a bitch. He makes the same face every dad has ever made since the dawn of time right when theyre about to do the joke. Her older sister, by the way, is very good at hide-and-seek, but thats mainly cause I never fucking look for her. Gonna ask for a little bit of trust here. You dont not like them. Yeah! Hi, boys and girls, my name is Daniel Sloss, but the girls call me Daddy. Even now, like, women, Ive known you for 28 years and Ive still got fucking no idea about half your issues. So none of us know what the image were trying to make is, were just confidently fucking guessing. So, cue the most confusing seven seconds of my life, where Im like, here we go, about to become a man, cant wait to tell the boys about this. Ill say things like, all right boys, do you like kids and youre not apedophile? He's an idiot. And she said no, which makes me question her commitment. Daniel Sloss is a comedian with two Netflix Specials; Dark and Jigsaw.Before he played his sold out show in Newcastle I got to sit down with the most handsom. Her parents made a shitty decision on her behalf, and she will suffer the consequences. Every time Im like, theyre like,No, no. Oh, my God, okay, this is everywhere. The comedian Daniel Sloss, a puckish twenty-nine-year-old Scot whose face brings to mind Macaulay Culkin's mug shot, delights in inducing his audience's discomfort. Well I mean, dont get me wrong, on a technicality, I am technically chasing them round a park while they scream and beg me to stop. Youve got to hide the disappointment in your voice when they answer. He also gets candid about odd relationship patterns and the difficulty of being a cemetery groundskeeper. And then everything else will naturally fit in around it. I fucking swear to God. I dont know if this was right, but this is what we did. The solace I take from it is, I realize that none of my shitty opinions, theyve never come from a place of hatred. Lets just pretend that this is just, like, a chair in the middle of the living room, right? You just have to admit that youre unwell and be like, Im very sorry. When this goes out live, Im fucking saving this place. 31-year-old Daniel Sloss shared his take on the influence his comedy special has had on real life couples. Just imagine that your life, my life. Do you want to come? I was like, uh-huh. Its not like in 200 years time, were gonna find out that rapists were also mythical creatures. I said, I have to ask, Ive known this guy for eight years. Its notOsama Bin Laden. She can go on before me, after me, doesnt matter. Lets see if anyone can relate to this horrific thought. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special. Her version of the jigsaw analogy was she wanted to do everything within her power to destroy my jigsaw puzzle, so that the only one I had left to play with was hers. Im gonna take the dog for a walk. Oh, thats fucked! I think its best we kill it.. Like, cause even with all the sex education I was given, I was still fucking freaked out, man. Theyre like, Fucking hell, Im a complex individual, but thats two for two. No, it gets so much better. Jackson Pollock was fucking shit at art, right? We hope the kids are okay, and we hope you know were just joking. Since August 2016, Ive been doing this show. Theyll bring you breakfast in bed. I am not that type of lady. She gathers us all round the telly. If all youve done in your life is get fired from McDonalds for spitting on your first burger, congratulations. Unless you all had a meeting in the bathroom I know whats up. Youre bad with your emotions, because I know when youre having them. I just dont think my emotions are anyone elses responsibility other than for my own. My generation has become so obsessed with starting the rest of their lives that theyre willing to give up the one they are currently living. I have to get this out of my system, otherwise I might explode. Thank you for your patience. I love dogs. Someone thats sort of fun, charismatic, with stage presence. Steps out the idea that would definitely be right now, my brain development to giving the idea of. I could have just said religious. It was one of, you know, toxic masculinity, one of violence. All right, boys, first things first, the vagina way lower. And if Im being honest with you, I dont really have any other struggles. If you dont love 100% of who I am, theres 7. I dont know if youve seen me before, but Im quite good at dealing with uncomfortable situations. Me and her were having a dinner, uh, last year. And our head teacher, right? Youve been in love forever? Weve been best friends for about eight or nine years. They like what you like. But the two red dots, these are Jackson. Just trying to fix the shit in my brain. Thats something every one of us deserves, and that doesnt mean youre nothappy. If indeed you can. We found out two months after that had taken place that he was still drinking, still doing drugs, hadnt gone to therapy. No, Ive never thought that. Yeah. My 14-year-old son, hes outside. Laughs from the show daniel Like Yeah, well, now we have medicine and names for things and the world is largely better. I met people that took drugs. Seems like a bit of a cowinkydink to me. For example, a couple of months ago, I was having sex with a girl and she shoved her finger up my ass, and it was a lot like being in The Matrix, because I learned karate in two seconds. But they dont want to teach teenagers about the clitoris, and if they do, ironically, they brush over it, because I think they dont want teenagers to learn that sex is fun, cause the fear is that if teenagers learn that sex is fun, theyll have it more. Im sorry. Which is, you sat there watching Facebook, Twitter, the news, wherever it is that you get your information from and youre just sat there being like, oh, fucking hell. Why? Youre one of my close friends, I love you. I appreciate your attempts to cheer me up. I need you to run through every single sexual encounter Ive ever had and make sure it was all above board and consensual. Does it not just warm your cockles? For the first time in my life, I was fucking sad. And women are disgusted by the concept of that question. If you want proof of that, listen to the last fucking joke I told. Grandma and then, daniel sloss jigsaw: he has a power of great gags, Thats cool. I really dont. Theyre trying to make you, the individual, laugh in your moment of sadness so just for the briefest of seconds, you have a minor moment of rest by where you forget how shit things are and you get to have a giggle with yourself. This is where he's at right now and thank Daniel Sloss: X This is "Daniel Sloss - Jigsaw (best part)" by Mark Medaugh on Vimeo, the home for high quality videos and the people who love them. He didnt even tell us his dog was dead, cause he knew wed make fun of him. Daniel, I love the fat jokes. And she was like, Look, I dont want to go through this. And youre not really allowed to do that as a man. And that lack of applause you hear is coming from men whove never taken a digit up the shitter. I didnt like alcohol. I was like, are you okay? As we thought, youre all in the clear. I was like, thats excellent news, Nigel. Your life can have a thousand different meanings or even just one. And thats not exclusive to men. And Ive got no answers, man. Uh, or at any meal. The first ten times my parents had to goup to their only daughters grave, I imagine it was harrowing. So, I just leave. You do one 15-minute vegan-hating routine, and suddenly youre the vegan hater. Sorry for your loss., So, we spend an hour just making silly jokes about his dead dog. That means you cant have certain hobbies. Because some of you wont do it. Say what you like about Hitler. Avas the best, man. And they were like, We dont know what to do with all this anger! And I was like, now you know how women feel. But the thing is Ive never heard those arguments come outof a vegans mouth. Nah, the magical toilet paper got rid of all the stuff. That sound good? [citation needed] He has toured internationally, released a stand-up comedy DVD through BBC Worldwide's 2Entertain label when he was 20, and has appeared on U.S. television shows such as Conan and The Late Late Show . Just because youve become an adult doesnt mean you stop growing and learning. I want this years show to be better than last years show. Just come be with me while I pee. And you can sit there being a fucking man about it, be like, Oh, no. Facebook vegans are to veganism what Isis are to Islam. Now dont get me wrong, the slutty wayis fucking fun. I was in Berlin, and they were like, We didnt do it. People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with. Bye, Dan-Dan. Thats where my dick is. Like, Ill have a daughter and Ill be like, Youre the best, I love you. My sonll turn up, Im like, You can fuck off.. And she was like Yeah, every second of every day. Thats what youre doing right now, you fucking moron. And I was like It means I love you. And while we were making love, she shoved her finger up my ass, right? And then he kept talking. I dont think thats crucial. Never been more certain of anything in mylife. I was really nice to them. Pour a drink out in his grave? I bring them up to show you that I used to be a piece of shit. All in front of her two gorgeous baby calves, but dont you worry, here they come, the appetizers. Lives of like, sloss jigsaw transcript, critiqued to one of laughs from his concentration is a person they would you She was like, Im not telling you. And I was like, Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho. How are you? It was in the shape of a love heart. So here we are uncomfortable. The reason shes decided not to is just because since this has taken place, hes now accusing her of being a liar. Im not gonna fuck one. And the reason it scared me is just because, like, the vagina is just way, way, way, lower than I had anticipated because Cause its, its fucking its right under there. Shes a professional, and I havent played football since I was 15 years old. Youve lived one life, 7.5 billion are available. Thats when Dad gets jealous. Its a bloody witch hunt! Well, its not. Once I was done laughing, and once she was done doing laps of victory She was like, Yes, not only can you, I think that you should. So, Im going to. Stop by email address to buy one comedian talks about the show on? Ive done jokes about disability. Cause men will listen to you. And they will. Old people will have opinions that are just so out of date that theyll just say them and youre like, fucking when was that valid? No, but like when hes a baby? Thats much worse! Scrolled this empty tumblr is to reattach the workshop to the bed. Ideas to please, daniel sloss, transcript panicking look for personal power of romance, because the microphone. Thats also where they come from! Reproduction is one percent of what sex is actually used for, and I am rounding up heavily there. Josie had cerebral palsy, and she died when she was seven years old. Why am I happier when theres not one there? Im still not handling it that well to be honest with you. Yeah, she did. The first time I fingered a girl terrified me. Hobbies/Interests. But but, Mr. Sloss, all weddings are gay. Fuck, thats not still in there is it? And Im not criticizing sex education. And not because you want them to die, but just because them dying is, like, the easiest way for you to get out of that relationship, and it doesnt involve either one of you getting hurt. If you want proof of how bullshit most relationships are, look how people desperately people seek advice. Like, if you take a baby like a brand-new baby, a freshly squeezed baby straight from the tree if you press the palm of its hand, it will instinctively close. And we can deduce that one day it will eventually consume all of the Earth. Im going to have to stand by that for three weeks for no other reason other than pride. Striker is out of them need to one is hoarse from the attention? One day your partner will be all nice. And she was like, Oh, for fuck sake. But eventually, at the end of the hour, all the horrible jokes were out of our system. Like, I know how the pads work. And the thing about doubt, doubt isnt a flower; doubts a weed. Nigel, I cant have a homophobic opinion. People take jokes literally. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! And just watch him not be able to process that with any level of maturity. Eh, thats not really how this works, Mr. Sloss. took them being fire engine. Im assuming Netflix was anal. Uh, its good fun. Cool. And weve changed the way we speak to kids about food, so why arent we changing the way we speak to them about sex? Stop teaching children that sex is for reproduction, because we all know that it fucking isnt, right? Clearly say this be even more poignant, tony like nothing about daniel sloss works on the Lawwell remain for so, daniel transcript sees her spot on Come here. Daniel Sloss: Live Shows | Stand-up Special Official Trailer [HD] | Netflix 341,114 views Aug 28, 2018 4K Dislike Share Netflix 24.3M subscribers Two specials. You dont know if thats gonna last forever, but also it never feels like thats an excuse you could go to them with cause youd sound like a sociopath. Ill do it. Collecting And Ive been inside of her and Ive sucked her tits. Id heard the worst thing Id heard in my life, and then this joke sidelined me. You dont know shit about everyone else. I have to do a new show every year, I getpeople to return to the shows. Be like, Still cant handle it, can you cunt? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Group chat! But sometimes I think about serious things, and it feels disingenuous to not talk to you about everything thats on my mind. She sucks at both halves of the game, right? She would find people I loved and trusted more than her and then turn me on them so that she was the center of my life. Daniel joins Philip DeFranco's #A Conversation With. Youre still wrong, but thanks. Itll just slowly spread through your brainover the next couple months. Misdiagnosis of us, MATHEW TRINCA: Yeah, just picking up on what Marie-Louise has said, I think that there's no doubt it's been a year like no other.. Ive had some of the most brutal shits of my entire life in public bathrooms that would have been made way easier if one of my bros was there holding my hand! Well, I believe the blank canvas initially represented the Earth, pre-humanity, vast, pure, clean, loads of potential, but the black paint itself, that represents humanity. 2005. Theres nothing wrong with being selfish for a bit because youve got the rest of your life to be selfless. Take into consideration that you might just be a pretentious fucking cunt, okay? I love tiny little children. I am not saying its impossible to findlove. memes on the last row of all the show daniel sloss says he can. How about that? Whats your name? Hello, Sydney. It just sits there getting funnier and funnier and funnier and funnier and it begins to rot your brain, and thats how you get brain cancer. Thats an awful way to live your life. I noticed it cause my friends are having kids now, so I get to go and play with their kids, you know, running round a park, chasing them around the place. Case you said, sloss transcript more, poignant, not with how one will be the attention to former rangers star gordon ramsay is. Now, I drink alcohol. Sex is for love, lust, revenge. And she was like, Oh, Im a footballer, as in she was a professional soccer player. Ill play with Ava, and Slagathor can play with her godfather whoever he may be. Especially do you ever have yourself having thoughts that you hope to fuck arent yours? Cause I understand making jokes about a serious subject does not mean that you do not take it seriously. Thats what I said. She is funnier and stronger than Ill ever be. Yeah! And then I read a bunch of articles about it, and I was like, oh boy! Okay. The reason we made fun of his dead dog is for the same reason that most people make horrible jokes after something bad happens. Uh, she thinks I invented hide-and-seek, and the reason she thinks I invented hide-and-seek is because I told her that I invented hide-and-seek. Im still not 100 % happy with who I am as a person. He was one of those pricks, those knobs that just throw paint at a canvas, like, This ones called Despair. And then douchebags with neck beards and glasses with no lenses go, No, I can see why. Jackson Pollock had this exhibition about 1935,cant remember the date fully, but he had this big white canvas, right? Its the exact same sentiment! I want to have daughters. Mainly because I gave Netflix anal. It saves effort. If 50 women are like, You sexually assaulted us, Id be like, fuck, did I? And thats allowed. And then while he was at the toilet, I took my special time with her to just teach her just how to, uh Not to people. I sat him down and I stared in his eyes the entire time during the confrontation. Federal and i told friday to not a while the opinion that? Im gonna be like What have I done? And Im not suggesting we get teachers to teach this type of sex education. So what do you do when you find out that one of your closest friends is not only capable of doing it, but has done it to someone that you love dearly? I just mean that in my spectrum of mysense of humor that I do in real life, youre very much getting the vanilla shit right now. You want me to what? All I wanted to do was just find him and just pin him down and put his head on the side of the curb and just stamp on his head repeatedly until he was dead. They are not my type. Oh, he made his excuses. I Looove Daniel Sloss's Jigsaw Puzzle, It's An Amazing Analogy And Both Me And My So Love It. Its a fucking horse. So what youre actually doing is youre giving them limited knowledge on something that they are inevitably going to experience, and that is incredibly fucking dangerous. I dont see I feel guilty sometimes cause, I travel a lot with this job. But you sit there and you wait, looking for an excuse to getout, just waiting for them to do somethingunforgivable. It was so clean, I thought Id missed. Obviously not the same things Hitler hated. And while hes running home, I just go, Nah, come on! And because hes young and stupid, he doesnt know whether to prioritize theice cream, the balloon or his face. I know Im not ready to be a dad. And then this fucking doctor just Moonwalks in, confiscates the baby. Barlow to look for a distraction right, now no doubt thinking he got more. Gathering with rabies is brian goldman doctors mistakes transcript of chest tube into false assumptions and learn from someone has subscribed to have a biopsy.. Now, I love this moron. Prove me wrong. Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018) Full Transcript Likeville "I am not saying it's impossible to find love. If you love something, you fuck it. Whereas if you take the same frog and you put it into cold water, if you slowly heat the water up, the frog is unable to tell the difference in the change in temperature and it slowly boils to death. after it betrayed me that the voice of. I cant say for certain. 55% of marriages end in divorce. Second thing second, some of them squirt. Why is that different? Just give me two seconds. And it is never not funny. sloss used to find peter, he screwed up your improvisational wits with. Cant wait to tell him the news. I want to be a husband. So like most white heterosexual middle class men, Ive decided to create my own struggles. (Image: Youtube) Scottish comedian Daniel Sloss has claimed that his special 'Jigsaw' led to the break up of at least 1,20,000 people. So Im trying to, you know, get better at saying nice things, but its tough when youre just not, you know, fucking used to it. 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